A bird's-eye view of sport, translated by two humans. With added waffling.

Sunday 12 August 2012

RIP Sid Waddell: the man, the legend, the voice of darts

Sid Waddell has died at the age of 72 after a long battle with cancer. 


To be perfectly honest, and despite knowing about his illness, we're a bit shocked. In terms of enhancing the experience of watching a sport and making it successful, Sid Waddell was unequivocally the greatest commentator who ever lived. Every darts player making a living from the sport owes that to Sid - to his creation of the Indoor League for Yorkshire Television, to his vision in convincing mainstream media to cover a pub pastime, to his passion, to his flawed genius. As I said here when trying to justify my love of darts last year, "fat drunk men throwing pointy things at cork just wouldn't be the same without him." As much as we hate the phrase "national treasure" (and not just because of those bloody Nicolas Cage films), he was one. As trite as it always sounds to say "we'll not see his like again", we won't. He didn't just break the mould, he smashed it to pieces with a carefully calculated 141 checkout to polish off a cheeky nine-darter.

While we catch our breath and collect our thoughts, we've collated some highlights from Sid's commentary career as our way of paying tribute to the great man's work and cheering ourselves up. Do let us know if we've missed any of your favourite quotes.

"That's the greatest comeback since Lazarus"

“It’s just like taking a sausage from a boy in a wheelchair!” 

“He looks about as happy as a penguin in a microwave…”

“Rod now looking like Kevin Costner when told the final cost of Waterworld!” 

“Eat your heart out Harold Pinter, we’ve got drama with a capital D here in Essex!”

“He’s got one foot in the frying pan and the other on thin ice…”

“You couldn’t get more excitement in here if Elvis Presley walked in eating a chip sandwich!”

“They should give his nose an Oscar for animation…”

“His eyes are bulging like the belly of a hungry chaffinch!”

“He’s been burning the midnight oil at both ends!”

"It's the nearest thing to public execution this side of Saudi Arabia."

"His physiognomy is that of a weeping Madonna"

"He's as cool as a prized marrow!"

"Under that heart of stone beat muscles of pure flint"

"It's like Dracula getting out of his grave and asking for a few chips with his stake"

"That lad could throw 180 standing one legged in a hammock"

"This game of darts is twisting like a rattlesnake with a hernia!"

"One hot evening in Egypt, Cleopatra turned to Mark Anthony and said: "There doth stand Colossus." And there stands Phil Taylor at the oche…”

“That was like throwing three pickled onions into a thimble!”

"As they say at the DHSS, we're getting the full benefit here"

"There hasn't been this much excitement since the Romans fed the Christians to the Lions"

"He's like D'Artagnan at the scissor factory"

"He's not just an underdog, he's an underpuppy"

"He’s as slick as minestrone soup"

"When Alexander of Macedonia was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer... Eric Bristow is only 27"

"The players are under so much duress, it's like duressic park out there!”

"He's like a Sherman tank on roller skates coming down a mountain!"

"He's playing out of his pie crust!"

"Like they say in that old Canadian-Indian proverb, 'When the squirrels march backwards, the forest is on fire' - and Bristow is ablaze!"

"When this guy concentrates, all the challengers, Jason, and Galileo can go home"

“Steve Beaton - the Adonis of darts - what poise, what elegance - a true Roman gladiator, with plenty of hair wax"

"It’s like when the first caveman heard a meteorite and went out and said 'What’s that?'"

"If you’re round your Auntie's tonight, tell her to stop making the cookies and come through to the living room to watch these two amazing athletes beat the proverbial house out of each other!"

"Even Hypotenuse would have trouble working out these angles"

"These players miss with pinpoint accuracy"

"Yes, he's been at the gorilla biscuits alright"

“He's like a leopard watching a mouse, saying: "shall I eat him with sauce or not?"

"This is the crême de la milk ici en Essex"

"Harrington's not on fire. Memo to boy scouts - take two sticks to Circus Tavern immediately…"

"They won't just have to play out of their skin. They'll have to play out of their ESSENCE!"

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