A bird's-eye view of sport, translated by two humans. With added waffling.

Sunday 19 August 2012

The BBC Olympics team: part 2 of our report cards

Yes, it's that time again - time to rate or slate another 10 members of the BBC's formidable team of London 2012 commentators, presenters and analysts. Time, in other words, to preserve the pretence that the Games never ended and protect our rapidly dwindling reserves of post-apocOlympic sanity.

You can still find our first 10 report cards here. If you feel we've made any glaring omissions or desperately want to defend your favourites, do let us know on Twitter or Facebook.

Huw Edwards - F (14%). Less gravit, more ass. Decided that awe-inspiring opening ceremony would best be experienced through filter of half-witted third-hand quarter-baked knobservations. Reading news better than Fiona Bruce about as impressive as competing at high jump without a bar. Contractual obligation to deploy authoritative Welshman should only be fulfilled by Bryn Terfel in future

Rishi Persad - F (11%). What is he for? The Guy Goma of sports broadcasting. Not waving but drowning. Seems desperate to crack his way into horsey fraternity; would be well advised to review their racist entry criteria more carefully, or at least arrange to have teeth surgically enlarged to boost his chances. Brings nothing to the party; just stands in the kitchen accidentally pissing people off by drinking their wine. Time to stage an awkward intervention and book him a one-way taxi to regional news

Hazel Irvine - C (58%). Tries painfully hard to be jovial, but does seem to give at least a scintilla of a shit. Easy to ignore as every word instantly disappears into a infinite void of irrelevance; like protozoa farting into a hurricane. Evening job as cartoon squirrel lookalike could only enhance credibility. Couldn't pick her out of a line-up; may have escaped punishment for countless crimes in Scotland

Hazel Irvine's Day Off: not coming to any cinemas, ever

Michael Johnson - A (97%). Comfortably the best analyst around. Calm, composed and insightful. Talks effortlessly about own incredible achievements without sounding smug or having to downplay them. Strangely squashed face but competence makes it easy to overlook his obvious resemblance to an animatronic allosaurus. Why he works on public sector rations rather than for deep-pocketed American broadcasters might just be the great mystery of the age

Manish Bhasin - E (28%). Proficient autocue reader and fluent in frothy insight-free sportspeak. Seems justifiably confused by career path; looks ready to run on being unmasked as knowledge vacuum. Labouring under misapprehension that varying tone can conceal absence of content. Spends most evenings sitting at home surrounded by fluorescent lights and stapling unwary moths to the walls of his beige bedsit. The Banish Bhasin campaign starts here and is far too neatly named to fail

Ian Thorpe - A (84%). Only docked points for being too good to be true. His failure to qualify enhanced rather than detracting from the Games. Baffling denial of sexuality only makes him more intriguing. Slightly disappointing to see him away from a desk, disproving compelling merman theory. A pleasure to experience Australia's unceremonious splashdown from pool predominance through his withering gaze

Denise Lewis - C (49%). Career based on beating a mediocre field at one competition doesn't come close to justifying unfettered superiority complex. Still, as heptathletes go, at least she's not world-renowned manipulative sulk Kelly Sotherton. Maniacal celebratory dancing certainly some compensation. Best remembered for trying and failing to get Mile End tube station renamed 'Mile End Park', so perhaps better employed as misleading advertising guru

Colin Jackson - D (33%). Great athlete, terrible broadcaster. The least he could do is chuck in the odd bit of dancing. All too easy to imagine him running out of fingers when called on to provide expert analysis of 400m hurdles stride patterns. Seems a thoroughly nice guy destined for slow death in light entertainment or unimaginative clairvoyance

Eddie Butler - D (43%). Did quite a good job of not ruining archery, though could not conceal desolation at absence of Brian Moore. Would prefer to be a slam poet judging by overwrought contributions to montagefest - confirmed by requirement for roll-necks and French cigarettes on now-legendary rider. Fervently believes that Welshmen evolved from dragons; tours principality lighting farts at well-attended functions to prove his point, and now spends most spare time lobbying Nobel committee for recognition

Steve Redgrave - E (23%). The more we see him out of a boat, the less we like him - should be cast adrift with crate of insulin and chocolate bars until he agrees to improve (reality TV gold). Unapologetically advocates cheating and fosters all-consuming irrational hatred for entire nation of Niger. Unconvincing mask of humility well and truly shattered. Predictably demanding and difficult off screen - refuses to sit down unless Matthew Pinsent stays directly behind him spritzing him with salty spittle


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